Why Do Older Women Stop Wanting Sex and How Do You Start Wanting It Again

It’s not a secret that women stop wanting sex at or around menopause. Not all women, maybe not you, but, in-general, women give it up.

Why?

I have a theory. And it's a theory based on decades of listening to women talk about their intimate lives, their frustrations, their trauma, their turn ons…and their turn offs.

Here’s the theory: women are tired of not getting what they want or need in bed and because their needs aren’t being met and their desires aren’t being fulfilled, they stop caring. Add this to decades of the social weight of doing everything for everyone and never being enough—strong enough, nice enough, pretty enough, fit enough, fertile enough, athletic enough, the right color, the right height or weight or IQ or income level…there’s a whole social agenda and huge money consumer market based on being sure we know that we can never attain goodness, much less perfection but we are supposed to strive for it nonetheless. We are relentlessly pounded with messages about how to fix what’s wrong with us and there is never any doubt that there are myriad things wrong.

I have a secret. It’s for you. There is nothing wrong with you. Not one single thing. No matter what ads and tv and billboards are shouting. No matter what your mama said. No matter that your husband prefers blondes (or brunettes, whatever). No matter that you are pear-shaped or have skinny legs or thick thighs or hair that just will not curl, those things may actually be your gifts, the most beautiful things about you.

It’s also true that our bodies change as we age. If we have children, our bodies change with that, too. Add to that the thinning of vaginal walls, thinner and less abundant natural lubrication, and a potential lessening of drive as hormones drop and it’s a lot to handle.

It’s a LOT to keep feeling sexy when all of this is going on.

And we can add to our list the whole thing of how our male partners often think that their aging is no big deal —and culturally speaking, it isn’t. Aging men are given value, while aging women are devalued—and they sometimes begin shopping for a newer, younger woman. Too often women who are actually just coming into their potency and true sexual power and prime are replaced in relationship because their menfolk buy the story that a younger woman is a better one.

How on earth is anyone supposed to want to fall into bed for passionate love making with all of that sitting on her shoulders?

There’s this thing that I see happening over and over again to women and while I can’t nail down an exact age, there is a definite stage:
The kids are self-sufficient.
The career is on track and she can breathe now, not work so damned hard.
There’s this kind of sweet spot, a pause in the intensity during which women look around think, suddenly, ‘What about me?’
They realize, suddenly, that they have left it all on the field in service to a bunch of folks who are, at best, unappreciative, and who, at worst demean them for not doing more.

We live in a world that really negates the work of mothers. The work of women is undervalued in general.

After so many years of doing and doing and doing for others we realize that we need to do for ourselves, too, take some time. Love ourselves. It is not selfish to want something for yourself, you need to know that. It is, in fact, necessary to nourish yourself. One thing is certain, women who are in the role of caretaker or mother or wife very often are in the role of giver and rarely are their own buckets filled. And you know the truth of trying to give from an empty bucket, or well, don’t you? It cannot be done and it is not wise to try and do so.

The impacts of all this on a woman’s psyche, emotional well being, and physical health are myriad. Overgiving, playing the martyr (even if you don’t self-define that way), and taking care of everyone else first is not healthy. It is not ever healthy. And yet we are taught that it’s our job to do it. A real mind fuck.

So how does a woman reclaim her passion, her desire, her mojo?

Working with the Erotic Blueprints can help. A self-pleasure practice can help. Working with a great coach can help.

I’m not going to tell you that it’s easy because it’s not. Even if all roads lead to Rome, not all of us can travel the same one.

For some it will be coming into deep gratitude for the beauty of that dimply, abundant, soft, lovely ‘mom bod’. Don’t laugh, I am absolutely serious. Your body is a work of divine perfection and every single thing it has brought forth, even the cellulite, even the rolls, is fucking glorious.

For others the road might be divesting of responsibility. Empty nesters have an opportunity to reconnect, to travel, to walk around nude, to make noise! And retirement? Even more space and time for fun and romping and, yes, sex. Sex that has space for the ways it has altered over the years. If you aren’t 22, don’t expect to have sex like a 22 year old. Honestly, expect it to be freer, better, and to be much more expansive. Allow for the fact that your bodies no longer want to rush in or through. Give yourselves time and use it to explore. And get to know your Blueprints and then play with them. Feed each other.

Finding your way to great sex, reconnection with your passion and your partner/s, and to enjoying sex well into your elder years is life affirming. There is really no reason to stop enjoying sexual pleasure at any age or for any reason and there are many, many ways to find that pleasure, even when illness or injury or other physical problems arise, but that’s for another time and post.

I would love to know how you connect to your pleasure. Leave me a comment or shoot me an email. Hearing from you makes my day!

If you are interested in a coaching package or mini-package, reach out to Bettina or check out our online store.